at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
