I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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