i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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