I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize