He uses pillows to masturbate.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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