Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
