Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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