He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
