ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
