you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
