That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
