if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
