4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
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