You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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