Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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