i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
