Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
