Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
