i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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