Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
