woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
His hands were made for my vagina.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
