i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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