I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The Olympian is in my bed
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
