can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Fuck appropriateness.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
