i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
