So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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