Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
