She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
