nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
