She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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