Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
