Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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