you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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