obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
