Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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