I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize