I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
