Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
