getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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