I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize