I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
