My hair reeks of homosexuality.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We need to get me chipped asap
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
