You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
