just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
