turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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