she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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