i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
