My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
