i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
