I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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