So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
