where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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