I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
