1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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