Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
