All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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