She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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