is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You can't just leave with hair like that
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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